Lizards

As many of you know I am DEATHLY AFRAID OF LIZARDS!!!  It's a phobia.  It's called  scoliodentosaurophobia.  It's like a dinosaur that hasn't been discovered.  Nothing brings out this fear like a lizard in the house!  When a lizard gets into the house I hit bat like craziness. I can't speak in full sentences, I'm what one might call hysterical.  I'm talking straight jacket ape crazy!  I FREAK OUT!!!  My only thought is how am I going to kill this thing that has so foolishly come into my residence.  Look I don't go outside and invade their bush, or light fixture, or hide under the mail box so when they come and get the mail I stick my head out and go BOO!  I think it's only fair that they stay outside and I stay in.  But every once in a while one of those little suckers gets in the house.  It's usually when the person I live with is away and can't catch and release.  I'm going to tell you right now that I don't believe in catch and release.  Don't leave me any hater comments about freeing the lizards.  I don't care that they are harmless.  See the first three sentences if you have any doubt about my belief in non catch and release.
SO of course the thing that prompts this post is that one of those creatures got into the house tonight.  I had planned on being in bed to play a little candy crush saga before I drifted off to la la land.  However after my sister let the dog out, there on the blind I noticed a flesh colored LIZARD hanging out on the blinds.  SISTER!!! ( I will leave her name less and only refer to her as SISTER)  THERE'S A LIZARD ON THE BLINDS INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!! HURRY COME QUICK!!
Now altho she is not DEATHLY afraid of Lizards she is in fact afraid of them.  But because I go absolutely bananas when I encounter one she has to bite the bullet and be the lizard extractor.  (Hey I got the spiders which is far more dangerous than lizards since some spiders can be deadly)  But I'm not afraid of them.
Back to the story.... So SISTER comes in and is like CRAP!  What do we do?  Now we are two grown adult people trying to plot on how to get rid of the little lizard( See I do know that I am bigger than the lizard) If there were hidden cameras in our house this would be on YouTube so quick...
So I have a fly swatter in one hand and a broom in the other (this is war man!) SISTER picks up a trash can and the top of a cardboard box. Her idea is that she will scoop the lizard up and then put the cardboard box on top and then trow the lizard out.  Easy as Pie...Right?
WRONG!!!  I'm looking at her like WHAT?  What exactly is going to happen?  What if the lizard doesn't get in the trash can and then it's on you and you throw the can and the lizard flies though the air and lands on my face.. (which would never happen cuz once I see that the lizard did not make it in the trash can all that will be left of me in that room will be the sound of me running out the room into my room slamming the door and stuffing towels under the door so the lizard won't get in) So on to the next plan.  Which let me just say is not any better.
Okay,okay we got a plan.  This is how it all went down!

ME: SISTER get that big pot from under the sink the big stock pot. We can catch the lizard in that and since it's so deep we will have plenty of time to put the top on it.
SISTER: Okay, but how about if  I cover the lizard (which is still hanging out on the blinds) and then scoop the lid on and catch it that way.
 ME: UMMMMM....how is that gonna work?  Why not just smoosh it with the bottom and be done with this?
SISTER:  But that's so gross and I think I might press to hard a break the glass.
 ME:  Okay let's Google how to stun a lizard (I figure if we can stun him in to stun ness we can remove him while he's stunned where's  Harry Potter when you need him)
 SISTER: Okay google it.
 ME:  Google says to stun a lizard throw ICE COLD water on it.  It stuns them and then you can remove the lizard from your home.  ( desperate times people, desperate times)
SISTER:  That doesn't sound like that is gonna work.
ME: Of course it's gonna work, it says so on Google!  (this is what happens when you have scoliodentosaurophobia ) anything sounds good
SISTER:  OKAY you throw the water (I look at her like she's lost her mind, ME throw the water is she NUTS)?  and I'll put the pot over him while he's stunned.
So can you guess how this played out? NO? Well I threw the water the lizard jumped off the blinds (not stunned in the least little bit) and took off like a bat out of hell.  While both SISTER and ME are screaming like someone is killing us and SISTER is running round with the pot trying not to let the lizard get anywhere we can't get to him to smoosh him with the fly swatter (which I still have in my hand).
So this is the final outcome of the Battle of the Great Lizard

If you look closely you can see the tail that got caught when SISTER was scooting the pot across the floor and got the tail and it came off.  OH LORD!  I thought that was going to be the game changer and the Lizard was going to win....
Humans:1 Lizard: 1
All I can say is I hope that pot holds!

Till Next Time


Rho